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Perspectives… I’ve felt this before… July 22, 2006

Posted by April Ayres-Griffiths in job, marriage, melody.
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Hmmm… I’m feeling philosophical and emo tonight…

Paying rent…

Today some things happened.  I went to centerlink (welfare) to submit my initial paperwork, so that I can get paid soon.  At the moment I am still unemployed, and right now without the government help have no chance of paying my part of the rent.  I was once again questioned why I quit my job, and once again relived the events that shaped me that day I quit my job.  I have another meeting on Tuesday that might hopefully get me money to pay my rent.

My marriage was in many ways abusive.  I thought there was love there but it was dependance.  I can write this in the confidence that someone will never read it.  She no longer scares me though. But my ex used to have a terrible temper and there were a myriad of ways that I could displease her.  It seemed I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn’t.  Once a table was thrown at me… she was frequently angry.  I developed a complex to please her.  This however turned out to be the impossible goal.

Switch forward sometime…

I appreciated the way MG treated me, but I formed the same complex about my boss there. People used to call him “Angry Craig” because he frequently yelled at people. My fear became that I would displease him.  I knew I would not be fired, but when you have been abused, just the anger itself is enough to trigger the fear, even the potential for anger.  So during that time, I worked extra to try and please him. As a result they expected more from me.  I could never say no… that would be failure.  I ended up working frequently until 3am, and was often paralyzed by fear.  One day I felt I’d rather be dead than be at work… just in case he was angry with me.

So that is what happened… one day I broke down. Even if my bounds were self imposed they were real to me at the time… Why am I writing this? Perhaps to put it to rest some final time… perhaps because I have realised that I never have to feel that way again…

Love et all…

I feel like I have been here before and it puzzled me as I stood outside before with and gazed at the stars.  Its 12am and I miss Melody (my beloved) who flies out from Canada to spend the rest of her life with me in 7 days time. I have felt it for years.

It was a brisk night in late July. The year was 2000, and contrary to everyones expectations the world had not ended from the Millenium bug. I was working at the time as an Analyst Programmer at Bendigo Bank, and it was long before any of my other issues had surfaced. My daily routine had succumbed to monotany.  Every day was the same, some kind of crazy melange of chores, work at the bank and in the evening I would sit in my flat and just draw. Draw the people I wished I was… but felt I could never be.

This particular night, I could not sleep. It was 3am and I had given it a good go.  It was hard to sleep back then.  Most nights were spent maudlin in my chilly flat. It was a little over a week since I last tried and failed to kill myself. This night the restlessness would not abate, and sleep would not take me.  I walked for almost an hour across Bendigo in the dark, and found myself sitting at university in the middle of the sports oval.  It was one of those cold nights, where the sky is so clear you can see so many stars.  It was breathtaking. I sat there for over an hour staring at this one patch sky.  I can’t quite describe what I  was feeling.  It was a profound sense of loneliness… that I was missing something… someone.

I say this because I realise exactly what I was missing. And now, knowing your name, Melody, I feel it even so much more profoundly.  I feel like we were cast from the same mould, two pieces of something.  Together we are strong, and complete. My heart is partially in international arrivals right now, partly curled up with you as you sleep, partly there as I hold your hand as you wake, partly as we get our first home and raise a child. I don’t feel lonely anymore… I feel loved so profoundly loved… I am not home yet… Home is with you… and that happens in just over 7 days.  I can feel our future together and it is wonderful.  You are my all, my raison d’etre, and its amazing now but I know what happiness is. It is your smile, your grace… that look in your eyes. I would die for you a million times over.  You are for life. A wonderful life.  I want to grow old with you… to be your wife.  Everything we do from 7 days time will be together. 

I guess what I am saying is (as crazy as it sounds), that I have always loved you.  Even if I never knew your name. 

The Message (for Melody – It was always for you…)

A message, without a bottle,
If it is read, I know not,
Washed up, Unknown shores,
This is for you, my love,

My souls breath, cast outwards,
Where it will fall, I know not,
My essence, my true self,
This is for you, my love,

A hearts chorus, pure and strong,
If it is heard, I know not,
Subtle vibrations, ethers song,
This is for you, my love,

An arrow, drawn of cupids bow,
If it flies true, I know not,
Loving thoughts, with tender heart,
This is for you, my love,

My lonely heart, seeking a home,
Where that is, I know not,
Hopefully optimistic, I journey on,
This is for you, my love,

My entire being, given freely,
And your name, I know not,
But with hope that you read this,
I give myself to you, my love.

(This is all for you
…it was always for you)

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